Research has helped therapists to understand the arc of how emotional affairs begin, and how they gain traction and momentum. Emotional affairs are friendships that willingly harness the strong headwinds of sexual attraction, eventually sweeping away appropriate relational boundaries and transparency.
By Suzanne Phillips, Psy. The reality is that while married men have more affairs than married women —The difference is not that great. Love, Sex and the Science of Attraction accept a rough estimate of 30 to 40 percent infidelity in marriage for men and women.
The other reality is that while extra-marital affairs by definition involve a romantic and emotional relationship that has a sexual or sexualized component, research suggests that sexual drive is not the primary reason married men have affairs. Based on interviews with cheating and non-cheating husbands, M.
Thanks to their biology, neurophysiologyculture and psychology most men rarely express worries, emotions, sexual issues or physical concerns about themselves, to friends, family, or colleagues, much less to their partners. The men reported feeling unappreciated and wished that their partners could recognize when they were trying.
They did not talk to their partners about this. The rationale I have heard from men and found corroborated in the research is that: They fear hurting their partner with their honest feelings.
They feel self-conscious about performance issues and unwittingly send a message of avoidance, disinterest or rejection. They see the defensive posture their partner takes—not as a cover for her feelings of rejection; but as anger and accusation.
Paradoxically, they see themselves as protecting themselves, their partner, and their marriage with silence. As such, many married men are emotionally alone. This leaves them vulnerable to the attention, affirmation and complication of an affair.
Do they look for the affair? Some men never stop looking for the affair — they are serial cheaters whose affairs have nothing to do with relatedness to another, intimacy, sharing, pain or silence—They connect as conquest to bolster a well hidden but fragile ego.
Men Cheat with Women They Know Reflective of the fact that it is not just about sex, affairs often start with people who are known already as colleagues or friends.
Suddenly the man is faced with someone who responds to him with time, attention, interest, soul sharing and appreciation. It seems so much easier. The Sexual Fix In many cases, once the sexual interest is acted upon and the infatuation tripped, there is such a flood of neurochemistry that judgment is clouded with denial.
There is the illusion that the affair can go on forever and exist side-by-side with marriage and family. Nothing will have to change—It always does. But if Only My Wife… Men often wish to hold on to their marriage by trying to find in their partner what they are finding in the affair.
Given they are not sharing what they feel or need, their partner has no idea that the rules have changed.
What the man often misses true also of women in affairs is the fact that he is acting differently to this outside person in a way that he has not been able to do in his marriage.
Affairs End Painfully Inevitably, affairs are uncovered and many people suffer. In his research, M. Relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women…Is Men, suggests that while men might have liked the affair for a time, they tend to despise themselves after their indiscretions.
The betrayed spouse needs support and help in dealing with the trauma of infidelity, the loss of trust, as well a reconsideration of her marriage, feelings, needs, sense of self and relationship with her partner. Repair and Renewal Sometimes affairs result in divorce.
If both partners want their marriage, however, a marriage can survive an affair. Many partners have journeyed through the guilt and pain to mutually repair and renew their marriage.
If a man can find the feelings and words to engage with his partner in a process of apology and forgiveness,if he can speak and listen, reconsider the mutual rejection and anger, clarify the sexual needs and trust the love —he may well have a marriage he can speak about.
Learn more about their work at couplesaftertrauma.There are several reasons for people to have emotional affairs: 1. Lack of attention from the spouse: This is one of the major reasons why married people look at others.
And only 8% of men say that their primary motivation for pursuing an emotional affair was sexual dissatisfaction. Recent research is clear on this point.
Fisher has found that 34% of women who had affairs were happy or very happy in their marriage. 56% of men who had affairs were happy in their marriage. Why Married Women Have Affairs By Linda on March 29, in Preventing Infidelity, Sex and Marriage I recently discovered a book that delves into the reasons why married women have affairs and I wanted to share some of the information with you.
Nov 22, · I am married and involved in the early stages of a long distance affair with a single man. I know we have a strong connection but am unsure of how he feels about me.